


This is Fucked Up

by LordessScribes



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, also huge spoilers for all the secrets too, brothers trying to bond, depression and other mental illnesses mentioned, huge spoilers for 707's ending, idk what else to tag this as, its angsty but not emotionally angsty, its fluff disguised as angst basically, secret fluff, suicide attempt/mentions, they bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 16:42:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10194176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordessScribes/pseuds/LordessScribes
Summary: Saeyoung takes his brother to an event but freaks out when he disappears. he finds him on a balcony and they have a lil heart to heart.





	

**Author's Note:**

> heavily inspired by a scene in homestuck so i dont claim ownership over some of the dialogue. :/

“Saeran?!” Saeyoung burst out of the door, looking panicked. He heaved a heavy sigh of relief upon seeing his brother still on the balcony and not dead twelve stories below. Saeran slowly turned to look at him, unimpressed before resuming his sulking. “You disappeared from the group… I thought…”

He didn’t answer and instead waited for the hacker to calm himself down. He scooted closer to the bars enough to dangle his legs between them and over the edge. Leaning back enough he glanced at the still standing Saeyoung.

“I want to say ‘don’t treat me like some small animal that could wander off to die at any time’ but… that’d be inaccurate.” He half considered taking off his shoes just to watch Saeyoung go retrieve them from the parking lot of the building. When his brother remained silent he continued. “I did sneak off to try to jump but… kinda lost the energy to bother with it.”

Saeyoung fiddled with the chord on his headphones uncomfortably for a moment.

“Kinda ironic that my depression is what kept me from killing myself, eh?”

“Can I sit with you?” it was phrased as more of a statement than a question.

“I don’t care.” First he sat cross-legged, then shifted to mirror Saeran’s position of having his feet over the edge.

“So… you’re alright?” He didn’t look at the look of concern on Saeyoung’s face. He’d memorized it by now and didn’t need to. He was one of only two people who ever received that look, after all.

“Nobody’s dead, are they?” Sometimes he wished he could be on the receiving end of the hacker’s jokes and pranks, but he figured that wouldn’t happen for a while. He was too worried about upsetting him. Saeran wasn’t delicate, as much as Saeyoung thought he was, but he also wasn’t his friend.

“Is your new medicine helping?”

“Mm, well without it I want others do die, with it I want myself to die. So yeah, at least my hatred is directed at a worthy vessel this way.” 

“Saeran…” the look of pity most definitely increased in intensity and he ignored it with equal strength.

“Oh, what, you can make depressed jokes and references but I can’t?”

“You probably mean yours!” Saeyoung’s shoulders rose.

“So do you, don’t lie.”

“Yeah but… I’m not going to act on it.”

“Cry me a river; build me a bridge.”

“Why? So you can throw yourself off it?”

There was a beat of silence while they both realized what he’d said. Saeyoung began to suspect he’d gone too far and upset him, before Saeran snorted. “Ok, you got me there.”

Saeyoung grinned. This was more progress they’d made in weeks! He wanted to keep this up.

Green eyes glanced over at him finally, regretting it when he saw the smile. It still bothered him, seeing Saeyoung happy. He didn’t want it to bother him, he didn’t like it, but it happened anyway. He began to shift away from his brother.

Saeyoung took a chance and added, “I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“Man, I wish everything we talked about didn’t revolve around my inevitable suicide.”  

“I wish we could have one conversation without you threatening it.” he bit back, and would have regretted it if he’d gotten the chance to think about what he’d said.

“I wish it wasn’t true, and yet.”

“I wish you would at least try to let me help.”

“I wish you’d quit pretending like you care.”

“I’m not pretending! I have never been pretending! I’ve told you this time and time again! And I understand that you have to reprogram like twenty years’ worth of bullshit to believe me but you aren’t even trying! At least I’m doing something!”

“Yeah but you still left and that’s what started it all so it means nothing.”

“I was trying to help! I wanted to get us both away from that home but-“

“I’m not really interested in getting into this with you right now.” Saeran finally snapped at him. The moment of calm from the joke long since washed away.

Saeyoung took a breath, letting his shoulders relax, then nodded, sitting away again. “Alright. Fine. I understand. You still need time.”

He stayed sitting, silent. The two sat still on the balcony, cold, but Saeran wasn’t going to move because of that and Saeyoung wasn’t going to leave him here alone for too long. They had been dancing around their issues for so long, the progress, however fleeting, was still progress. The first few weeks of Saeran being at Saeyoung’s house were still the worst to remember. He’d thrown so many fits and lashed out so much. Those weeks were the only times he’d actually put effort into trying to kill himself.

Lately he’s just been a pain in the ass to be around. Breaking things just to watch his brother clean it up or being in his way whenever he tried to get work done. There were also the screaming matches. They typically bonded via disagreements and shouting at each other that ended with Saeyoung apologizing and telling him he deserved space. The selflessness he kept showing just pissed off his brother more.

The tiled floor wasn’t very comfortable. They watched a cloud pass across the sky. It slowly blocked out the moon, then continued west. Their silence stretched, until-

“Ok, actually, maybe I will get into it.” Saeyoung turned to look at him, surprised to hear him speaking up again (and not in the middle of one of their aforementioned screaming matches), but Saeran was still watching the cloud, eyes squinted.

“I’m annoyed that other people got to have normal childhoods with normal adults that cared about them. Kids at school used to complain about their own privileged problems so I always assumed they were in the same boat, but that’s not how it was. They chalked up garbage and I bought into it ‘cus I didn’t have a frame of reference. But they had family who cared. Why did I get such a raw cut of the asshole deck? Why did it take me so long to figure it out?

“And like, she’s dead now so that’s that. All that’s left to do is look back on everything and try to find enough pieces to put something back together, and all I can think is ‘what the fuck _was_ that?!’ I didn’t come away stronger or like I’d learned any lesson! The only feeling left was the impression that she hated me!

And yeah, raising kids is tough. Blah the fuckity blah. It doesn’t matter! You don’t tie children to the kitchen and starve them regularly! And I’m only touching the top of the list! That’s just the start of my fuckshow! Because then you up and disappeared and I was left all on my own!”

Saeran paused to breathe, hands clenched on the bars of the balcony. Saeyoung opens his mouth to defend himself but his brother continues, talking over him before he can speak. “And yeah, you’ve explained to me time and time again _why_ you left, it doesn’t change how I felt. You had the ability to get Rika to check up on me but couldn’t be bothered to do it yourself. I don’t care what the agency told you, you should’ve at least said something so I knew you were alive! That alone fucked me up a lot!

“But don’t even get me started on our mother! She fucking freaked and I wasn’t able to leave the house at all because she thought you’d been kidnapped for ransom or some shit! At least when you were there I had a respite, the atmosphere after you left was nerve wracking constantly, ugh I hate thinking about it.” He rolled his shoulders with a disgusted expression.

“Saeran, you don’t have to-“

“No, you opened the floodgates. I’m bitching about this. Shut up.” He snapped his mouth closed. “Then Rika showed up and got me out and I thought I could move on in peace, but no. That was just a ploy.

“I know that now, but at the time, it was like… a dream come true. M.E. seemed like a home! They told me it would be like a family, that I’d be stronger with them! I believed them for years and years but things only ever got worse! I hated it but I didn’t know that I hated it. They drugged me up so all my self-worth hinged on them and all my hatred was directed at you! It didn’t make me stronger!

“It did the opposite! It made me never want to fight! It made me never want to see blood of be near danger or hear metal sounds! It made me hate the idea of being a hero ‘cause you were a hero and you ruined the idea for me!”

Saeran took another breath, glaring up at the cloud. “What gets me the most is how hard it was to put all this together, to see all that as not normal. Years and years of my life that I need to deconstruct and be pissed about! That’s not easy! It’s not fun!”

He blinked a few times, deflating slightly with his anger making way for tired confusion. “All the unhealthy emotions I’d gotten used to have to be redirected and changed. I don’t want to blame you because you don’t fucking deserve that after everything but… the only other source of it all is me. And it sucks.

“I don’t feel guilty for anything I did, either. V… MC… I don’t feel bad for that all, which only serves to fuel my self-hatred even more because it was really fucked up and I _should_ feel bad. And that’s your fault, by the way. You telling me over and over that you don’t hold me accountable and insist it was the drugs and the cult. You won’t let me feel responsible so I don’t regret it and I seem like a heartless dick.” Saeran finally paused for an extended moment, giving Saeyoung a chance to speak.

“I always thought our mom was the source.”

“I did, but she’s still dead. Her being dead and me still feeling like shit didn’t add up. Blaming her doesn’t change what happened or how I feel. She was still awful and I don’t care about whatever reasoning she might’ve had. That’s all I’ll ever feel about her.” He let go of the bars in favor of laying out on the floor itself, legs still over the edge, to stare up at the sky.

“That… I wish I could say something you’d accept. I can’t apologize or you’ll get pissed at me, but I don’t want to try and excuse our mom either.” Saeyoung leaned back to look at him better, enough to see the lights of the city reflected in his snowy hair.

“I’d say you had good intentions for what you did, but I’m still upset about it. You knew how awful she was but you left me anyway. I waited for years, thinking you’d come back. Then Rika told me you’d abandoned me and… what was I supposed to do then?”

“I wish I could go back in time and never leave, if that is any consolation.”

“Pssht. No you don’t.” he tucked his hands behind his head to better pillow it on the tile. Sitting and staring at the sky vaguely reminded him of when they were kids. It was a comfort. “Some butterfly effect garbage would go down and the world would end or something. It wouldn’t be worth it.”

Saeyoung chuckled. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

“Ranting about it all is uncool, too. It wasn’t your fault and I need to get that through my head already ‘cus it just stresses you out more.”

He pushed his glasses up his nose, thinking. “I mean, I don’t have a problem with you ranting. I would be screwed up too. I just found the book first. I’m sorry about that. I really am. I wish I’d demanded that they bring you with me when I left. It wasn’t fair.”

Saeran didn’t answer, just blinked dully at the clouds. Saeyoung took the opportunity to test the waters and scoot closer to him.

“Thanks but… your apologies still hold either no weight in my mind or feel like they’re mocking me.”

“That’s fair. If it’s any consolation, V told me you were alright. Sent me pictures.”

“Ignorance is bliss…”

Saeyoung glanced away. “I have to ask, but you don’t have to answer, but…even if you aren’t interested in it now… do you ever think we’ll be like a family again?”

“…” Saeran closed his eyes. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve never met you before. I hope that sticks around, because it’s better than the whole arch-nemesis thing. I think I’d be more willing to put up with you if I could separate you from those memories.”

“That… makes sense I think.” Saeyoung scratched his ear. “Would it help if I stopped mentioning the past and focused more on the present?”

“yeah, probably. I mean, it would still be there, but I think it’d be easier to build a new relationship than try and recreate an old one.”

“Sounds like a start.” They fell into silence again. Everything about this situation made Saeyoung almost cheer. They were making actual progress this time! They were discussing things and not shouting at each other! “If there’s anything you want to know, though, I will answer the questions. I’m done keeping secrets and you’re my first priority.”

“Don’t make it gay.”

Saeyoung snorted. His brother’s mouth twitched.

“I’m serious though. Don’t be afraid to ask me for things.”

“… That’ll take some getting used to.”

They quieted one again. Saeran was busy going over everything he’d just said. He’d actually managed to stay sensible enough for it all. He was pretty proud of himself. Saeyoung was even more proud. Knowing that his brother was proud of him just for talking bugged him.

… but then again, it also made him feel kinda fuzzy. Saeran decided he didn’t like that feeling either. He picked out a new cloud in the sky to watch.

“Hey.”

“Hm?” Saeyoung glanced down at him.

“Sorry about this.”

“What?”

Saeran pushed himself up enough to lean over and hug him.

“For what I’m doing now. This bullshit right here.”

“Oh.” His brother froze, resisting the urge to hug him back right away. “Wh…”

“It’s really fucked up of me. What I’m presently doing. Sorry about that.” It wasn’t fucked up at all, Saeyoung thought, but didn’t want him to stop.

He chewed his cheek to resist smiling. “Oh, y-yeah. This is some fucked up shit alright.”

“I know.” His arms were around Saeyoung’s with his cheek pressed into his side. He wasn’t meeting his eyes or looking in his direction at all.

“But it’s cool. Don’t worry about it.” He subtly extracted one arm from where it was stuck to his side to reach around and return the hug.

“So fucked up.” Saeran closed his eyes, letting himself feel fuzzy while he could. It wouldn’t last. “Sorry.”


End file.
